For the last 7 years I've been on an intensive personal and interpersonal spiritual healing journey.
I've been privileged enough to take a lot of trainings and have access to teachers who taught me ways to find out who I truly am. I've been blessed and privileged enough to have the relational support around me to pursue this quest of discovery and I am extremely grateful.
One thing you might have heard a lot is: "there's always more". It's true for everything - and I've found this particularly true for the healing path. In healing - there is ALWAYS more healing. We are always whole - always complete - but our 'work' never ends.
We have many, many, layers. Many parts of us that have been led to believe things that are untrue. Parts of us which crave integration and release so that we can embrace more of life and expand into who we're meant to be and how we're meant to help.
I've found a lot in the last 7 years. I've healed a lot - repaired, and rewired, discovered, and conquered.
This Spring I found myself in a place that was new. I bumped up against a pathway of 'work' that surprised me.
I had been diligently practicing some of the advanced and ancient techniques of Hatha Yoga. During my weeks of integration from intensive study and retreat - the feeling of violation started to creep up in my body. Over weeks I walked around with this extremely violated and tender feeling inside my womb and entire guts and belly pelvis area.
My fear was that I was having a personal traumatic event from the past bubble up in my system. I felt absolutely raped by oppression and abuse. As I sat with it, watched, trusted, and allowed - this feeling began to feel deeper and bigger than me and my life.
I felt the cries of my lineage beckoning for me to heal what they couldn't heal themselves. I felt the mourning of our sexually repressed culture. Not only did my body yearn for me to feel and hear some of the most painful messages I've ever felt and heard - it screamed at me.
Every moment in my own life that I was paralyzed with shame, every moment I couldn't speak or be heard manifested in this gutted, empty, matrix of energy - it was all ready to come up and be seen. Whether or not I was ready to see.
So I was called to welcome this. There was nothing for me to resist when the message was clear - "feeling this will not kill you. You are meant to look at this. It's not going to be fun - but this is your work - your destiny."
When I went in and down... waaaay in and waaay down... when I faced every harmful sexual encounter I've had...
When I felt every pain that arose in my deepest corners... when I saw the profundity of pain my cells have held for years or maybe even eons...
It broke my heart.
I knew I had to keep going - my brain knew that even though it felt like I would never find myself again - I would. And I would find her even more complete than before.
I found that for numerous reasons - My sexuality was running on false beliefs, shame, and fear. I was wired in the opposite direction of self love. My practices and personal work only went so deep and worked for so long - because I hadn't gone this deep with myself yet.
It took saying yes to seeing the darkest truths about myself which meant the most searing pains.
It meant gathering my metaphorical weapons and trekking into the mystery alone.
When I went to the place I really didn't want to go - what I found was this:
- Impenetrable connection to the infinite. I was swung into an awakening of a truth of who I am in relation to that bigger than life matrix: consciousness. Time and space revealed their big joke to me.
- Forgiveness is not mandatory for healing. Forgiveness is not letting what happened be okay. Forgiveness is coming to terms with it. Seeing it and digesting it. Forgiveness is an internal journey - not an external one.
- Self love isn't just an idea - it's a universal blueprint. Self love is not possible only through the brain. You can't think yourself loved. I think Love is an overused word - but what other word is there to describe such a phenomenon?
Let's take Self Love a little deeper today. Let's take a deeper dive into what it means to Love our WHOLE selves. And how that relates to Sexuality.
When I said yes to healing the darkest and most foreign layer of my humanity - self love took on this meaning: It's a matrix of KNOWING (beyond the intellect) and truly embodying (not thinking OR feeling) that can be tapped and sourced for healing, wisdom, and direction.
Rather than self love being this meme or idea or mantra that makes you 'feel better' about yourself. No. Self Love is an actualized awakening of your worthiness, perfection, and sheer divinity. There is no other way to actualise yourself under the lense of love than this.
When my heart breaks for the suffering and pain of myself and all beings... it hurts. It hurts a lot. But it swells and grows. It strengthens its capacity to LOVE 1,000,000,000 fold.
This love is not easy - it takes surrender. It takes your actual undivided and courageous presence. Which means you have to stop judging yourself for real and making yourself wrong for feeling the way you feel.
What has happened is not your fault - no one is to blame. When you can see it truly without looking away - that's when we can accept, digest, and integrate that wisdom.
A good friend and I were discussing our journey with self love. She explained that what's really clicked for her recently is this practice of dropping into her cells. Rather than glossing over and trying to convince her head that she was worthy of love or that she loved herself - she had the wisdom to take it deeper. She goes down into her body, she listens to her cells and feels their fear, their resistance, their story. They each hold a pattern, a story, a tone. She listens, holds, and she feeds her cellular self messages and energies of love, acceptance, and wholeness.
We may not have the ability to feel physiologically each and every cell of our bodies - but we have the ability to imagine them. And to sense them. To listen. Receive and give messages.
As she descends through the layers of her conditioned cells - she is rewiring them for love. She spends time injecting them with love and presence. She finds out what is true bullshit and what's TRUE - She chooses the messages she wants the cells of her to get on with - and they do. They HEAR her.
If you can imagine it - it exists. It's possible.
So much of the practice is like this. Finding your own way.
We are each responsible for finding our own way home. The entire universal blueprint lives inside of you. Everything you need to know - is in there. It only takes one doorway to start finding. You just have to open the door. Give the pathways that just show up in you a chance to reveal themselves.
The problem comes when we think we know what's best for us. Our bodies tell us where to work - and we don't like the way it feels so we say no. Then we wonder why we feel empty and unhappy in our lives.
This isn't a secret - go where you are taken. Trust your pathway. The pain is the gift. The hurt is the doorway.
For me in my sexual healing I've found all the answers to my confusions about boundaries, relational issues, writer's block, my intuitive and energetic portal, manifesting my desires, pleasure and profound, truthful connection. So much of my psycho spiritual layers jelled together when I was able to release what I had been holding.
For my friend in her cellular conversations - she's deeply able to rewire and find clarity about her true worth, her gifts, and capacity to stand for who she actually is.
Each of us are being called back home to actual Love that vibration that exists everywhere always no matter what.
Hiding is not who we are. Repressed is not who we are. Resistant is not who we are.
We are what's behind all that. We are free. We are worthy. We are love itself without condition.
I'll leave you with this:
Your journey to wholeness, happiness, or fulfillment starts when you can welcome it all. "resist nothing" (Katie Silcox). Put down your fists and start surrendering. There is no fight.
Ok - there's one fight and it's between your divinity and your brains. Get in and down into your body - allow what is YOURS to process come up and out. This is the stuff you were designed to do.
I hope some of this is helpful if not inspiring.
My intention usually includes giving you something you can use and transform yourself with. If you are left with questions or challenges - reach out to me for support.
This work is my mission and I am ridiculously here for you - even if we don't ever meet.
May all beings realize their most inherent truths
May all beings be filled with true love
May all beings feel safety and freedom